Fun Friday

Here we are again.  Friday.  Let’s go ride some damn bicycles.

Tonight kicks off with the New Belgium Clips Beer and Film Tour here in Charlotte.  I’m gonna go watch movies and drink beer.  You know, starting my weekend off right.  I’ve never been before, but there’s beer.  That will make it not suck.

Tomorrow is gonna be pretty cool too.  We’re celebrating Take a Kid Mountain Biking Day at Colonel Francis Beatty Park early in the morning.  And by “we”, I mean our club, the Tarheel Trailblazers and Trips for Kids. 

It’s gonna be fun as usual.  I think this is my sixth or seventh one, and each year they get better.  Even my “kid” Lunchbox will be there.  He plans to lead a group, which is a long way from way back when he was just another kid out there riding with adults.  I know he’s looking forward to it.

Since this is Fun Friday and I’m talking about kids, I’ll pick up where I left off last week with some more disturbing children book photos.

Oh, you find these offensive?

Yeah.  See y’all Monday.

On The Assault

Yep, it’s time once again for the New Belgium Urban Assault Ride. What, already? Yeah, that’s the same thing I said. The date was moved up this year, so that makes it seem like I was just there (it was only six months ago.) This year, I’m in once again. I have a new partner this time around though (sorry Dirty Party Cycle.)


After photographing the shenanigans and watching everyone act like fools last year, Lunchbox told me he wanted in. Actually, he told me that on the way home from the event. When it came time to sign up, I couldn’t say no to him. He’s pretty excited too.


The checkpoints have been revealed, along with the roads we’re not allowed to use. It’s pretty much the same thing as last year. You know, ride to checkpoints all over the city, do silly challenges at said checkpoints, and make it back in time to drink beer (none for the youngin’ of course.)


There are five “named” checkpoints, which I used to create a route for us, plus two “mystery” checkpoints. The clue for the first one came out yesterday, which was a crossword puzzle and a word scramble that reveals the name of the place we have to find. I figured it out lickety split, so at least I can incorporate it into our route. The second mystery checkpoint will be revealed when we get to the first, so that puts us in a little bind.


Do we ride the route as planned and hope the second mystery checkpoint is somewhere along the way, or do we go there first and figure out the rest of the ride? I’m still not sure what we’ll do, but if I did know, I sure as hell wouldn’t say it here. Too many of my “competitors” read this shit.


Also, we had to take a quiz to determine which wave we start in (there are three if I remember correctly.) Our quiz score was pretty high (better than last year), so I’m pretty confident that we’ll start in the first wave again. At least we have a little advantage.


In all, we’ll probably end up with around twenty miles or so again, depending on where they throw in mystery checkpoint number two. I’m not worried about it though, because we can’t possibly win it. The team that won it last year had a super fast time. In fact, it was so fast I don’t know how it was even possible. I don’t think I could’ve done it that fast if I had a motorcycle and skipped all the challenges.

Bastards.


We do have to hurry though. I’m hoping to be done in under two hours again this year, so the pressure is on. Plus, Lunchbox is heading off to Florida for Spring Break that evening, so there’s no time to dilly dally.


If you want a refresher, here’s the video I made from last year’s ride with me and the Dirty Party Cycle.




I’m probably bringing the GoPro again, so be on the lookout for more video next week or whenever the hell I feel like editing it.



I guess that’s it for today. I should be back on Monday with a report and such. Oh yeah, sorry about not being here yesterday, but I told you I needed a break. My doggie is hanging in there, so we’re good for now.


The whole situation is still weighing heavily on my mind though.

The Official Report

Well, as best as I can remember anyway. I did drink a lot of beer afterwards, and hopefully didn’t kill any of the brain cells that are responsible for my recollection of the Urban Assault Ride. The day started off early, with nice cool temps. The Dirty Party Cycle met us at the house, and we headed down to my place of employment. I didn’t have to work, but the race venue was only a few blocks away so it made sense from a parking standpoint. There were tons of people already milling about when we got there.



A lot of them were dressed “creatively.”









After we checked in, we were told to set up our bikes along the fence somewhere. We found a spot near the exit so we could easily find them in the sea of people.



We were to head out in three waves, and the DPC and I were in the first one due to our super smarty-pants score on the quiz. All that stood between us and the first checkpoint was some pennant flagging.



We were off. We navigated through the herd of racers and found our trusty steeds. I was having fun already.



It was off to the first “mystery checkpoint”, which wasn’t really a mystery thanks to a clue given before the race. We took a few pre-planned shortcuts to get there, and when we arrived we were handed a package of beef jerky. Also, they showed us a photo which would be the clue for the second mystery checkpoint.



Was that a smile from a dinosaur statue? We had no clue what the hell it was, so I took a photo and decided that we could figure it out later. It was on to the next checkpoint, the Common Market (just a few blocks away.) Of course we took a few more shortcuts, beating the crowd that had just left the mystery checkpoint.


We got to the Common Market and were greeted with a line out front waiting for the challenge. Some people made that their first stop, so it was a little busy. It didn’t take long though, and before we knew it we were putting together a puzzle made out of foam bricks with the Clif Bar logo on it. After a little digging around, we found a missing piece and placed everything on a giant flying disc. After raising it above our heads (well, the DPC’s head because I’m much taller than him), we collected our bead for that checkpoint and were on our way.


We flew down the road, trying to avoid any traffic or being followed by anyone that didn’t know where they were going. After trying to take a shortcut to avoid a traffic light, we found ourselves having to catch up to the people that were waiting patiently at the traffic light. Shortcut fail.


We hauled ass down the road, passing lots of people. We took another pre-planned shortcut, and arrived well ahead of the group we passed. Next stop, the Smelly Cat Café for some big wheel riding.


Not big wheels as in 29er, but big wheels as in what we used to ride when we were kids. The line was short, so we hopped on the next available three-wheeled toys and made our way around a small course. It was fun, and I pulled off a few power slides along the way. I wanted to stay there and do it again, but we had places to go. We grabbed out bead and headed out again. Three checkpoints down, four to go.


We still had no idea where the second mystery checkpoint was, so we continued along our planned route and headed to Ray’s Splash Planet. It was a long ride along some busy streets (but not the off-limit ones), but a few short cuts through parking lots and such put us way ahead of our expected time. After arriving at the next checkpoint, I was surprised to see what the challenge was. Last year people had to slide down a water slide. This year, we were outside in a field. We saw lots of BMX-sized wheels with pegs on them, and we were instructed to use the wheel for a human wheelbarrow challenge. Challenge accepted.


The DPC was the wheelbarrow, and I was the pusher. We had to weave in and out of some strategically placed cones, and try to avoid those that were not as experienced in the art of human wheelbarrowing. We were just naturals, I guess. We collected our bead, but I was worried about the second mystery checkpoint. I gave Lunchbox a call and asked if he heard any chatter about what it might be, and he said no. Shit. I don’t know the inner workings of the city like a lot of folks around here do, but I was certain that it was located somewhere in the heart of the city.


We rode a little bit and I decided to pull over and use The Google to see if it would be any help. After striking out multiple times, and I finally decided to ask the next person that pulled up beside us.


Me: “Excuse me. Do you know where the second mystery checkpoint is?”

Random Dude: “Yeah, but we haven’t been there yet.”


That’s all I needed to know. I hear someone else ask him, but I didn’t really hear the answer. I told the DPC to follow that team, and we we got close we would know it. We ended up cutting through the NFL stadium, and probably ruined a lot of people’s tailgating experience with our big wheels and bell ringing. After a small shortcut, I saw lots of cyclists converging on one area in the heart of the city. The DPC saw it too, and we headed that way.





This was it. Not even close to a dinosaur. I guess I should get out more and experience the city life. They asked us for our beef jerky package, and I asked if I was supposed to eat it. The lady said no. They only need to see it to prove that you actually went to the first mystery checkpoint. We collected our next bead and headed on to the 6th checkpoint.


The second mystery checkpoint didn’t throw us off of our pre-planned route too bad, so we were pretty happy about that. After nearly colliding with a few automobiles (NFL game day around here is pretty busy), we cut through some neighborhoods and made our way to the Park Road Shopping Center, home of Bike Source (our next checkpoint.)


When we got there we were greeted with BMX bikes, and were instructed to have one person ride the bike while the other sat on the handlebars and collected flags. It was way too easy, and we got our bead rather quickly and headed out. A few more pre-planned cut throughs put us on a fast track to the final checkpoint, the Mint Museum.


We got there via our super-secret way (it was located on a street that was off-limits), and made our way to the front for the challenge. This time, one of us had to put on shoes tied together with an inner tube, and shoot other shoes (like a slingshot) into a bag held onto by the other teammate. It looked easy, but as the shooter, I fired the first shoe about twenty feet over the DPC’s head. The second one was aimed squarely at his head (not on purpose), and eventually we got them in the bag and grabbed our bead. That was it, and we were heading for the home stretch.


After crossing the street and cutting through a parking lot, I heard a loud clunking sound coming from my bike. I stopped for a second and found that my headset had worked itself loose (I had just cleaned and greased it the day before.) The DPC said, “We have tools, do you want to fix it?” I said, “Hell no, we ain’t stopping now!” We cut through all the back roads we knew, and got to the finish line lickety-split. We got to the park and found an obstacle course waiting for us.




The last thing we had to do was turn in our beads.




We headed right to the tent to clain our beer tokens, and commenced to drinking. I had no idea where we finished, but we did beat our goal of under two hours. That was good enough for me, but we probably could have finished a little quicker if we didn’t waste so much time trying to figure out where the second mystery checkpoint was. Also, we could have ridden a little faster if we had road bikes, but mountain bikes made it so much more fun. Half of the shortcuts we did wouldn’t have been possible on skinny tires anyway. It's not like we were taking it that seriously. I was only serious about drinking beer after riding my bike, which is par for the course for me.


It was an awesome event. We need more stuff like this around here. I saw all kinds of cyclists together that I wouldn’t normally see, and it made me feel good that we have a strong scene here in Charlotte. Lot of miles were ridden, lots of beers consumed, and lots of fun was had by all. I can’t wait to do it again next year.


Oh yeah, my GoPro ran the entire time we rode, so I have video of everything. It’s gonna take a while to edit it down to a watchable size, but when I do I’ll get it up here. From what I’ve watched so far, it looks pretty good. Almost like I was there.

Beer and Bikes

Yeah, that’s what I always talk about around here. So, what’s different this time? Sunday is the 2nd annual (for Charlotte anyway) Urban Assault Ride from New Belgium Brewing. I didn’t do it last year, and I had all but talked myself out of it this year. Things have changed though.



It’s a little on the pricey side, and I just couldn’t see myself spending that much money on a “race.” I talked myself out of it last year for that very reason, and pretty much did the same thing this year. The original plan was to team up with The Chili Man, but I eventually decided that I didn’t want to come up with that much cash. After watching most of my cycling people around here (including Little Miss Sunshine) sign up for it, I started to have some regrets. The Dirty Party Cycle heard my bitching and had the same reasons for not participating, so I never asked him about it this year. Besides, I had already asked The Chili Man (and then I backed out due to the cost.) I know, the proceeds are going to a good cause, but I guess I wasn’t thinking about that.


I found out a little while ago that the DPC was interested, but I had already decided not to do it. Before I even had a chance to recommend him teaming up with The Chili Man (who probably still wanted to do it), he forked over the cash and team B-43 was all signed up. I couldn’t believe it. I guess he decided to take action, and wasn’t worried about me saying no since fees were paid and I had no other excuse. With only a few days until the event, we had to come up with a plan.



I’ll tell you a little bit about the ride/race. It’s basically a bicycle scavenger hunt around town (in this case, Charlotte.) Teams consisting of two people roam around the city to find checkpoints, which are local establishments that we should all know and love. When you reach a checkpoint it will have some kind of obstacle or other adventure, then you hop back on the bikes and find the next one. We can hit them in any order, and take pretty much any route we want (other than a few roads that have been named “off-limits”.) When we cross the finish line, there’s a big party waiting with lots of New Belgium beer. Sounds like a winner, right?


We started planning our route by exchanging e-mails and a few phone calls. We’re looking at about 20 miles or so, but there’s a twist. There are five checkpoints listed on the website, but there are two “mystery” checkpoints that haven’t been revealed yet. Well, a clue to the first one has been given, so we have to figure it out. Any plans we make can be ruined by the placements of these mystery checkpoints, so that adds to the challenge. We don’t know the city as well as some people do, but we should do okay. The main goal is to have fun, and of course drink a shitload of beer when we finish. That pretty much sounds like any race I do. Just to be sure it’s like any of my other races, I’ll be sure to start out really fast and burn out after the first mile or so.


Plans have been made, but I won’t share them here in case any of you locals are reading this. We have a good idea of where we’re going and how we’ll get there, and I have a few tricks up my sleeve. In case I drink too much beer and forget what we did, I plan on running my GoPro during the event. We’ll probably get lost a few times, but that’s all part of it. Hopefully I’ll be back on Monday with a report, unless the DPC and I are still wandering around in the city. There is a high probability of that, you know.